Sex and (a little bit of) the City

So, tonight I decided to give my ovaries a treat and go see the Sex and the City movie with my older sister, Lauryn. I know, right? Sisterly bonding time was held before hand. We dished out our latest man-gossip (I only had good things to say about you, Jon, don't worry!) over sushi from Whole Foods, and we sat in Edgewater (at the edge of the water) and overlooked the City skyline we were about to pay $11 to see on a giant screen.
It was mostly worth it.
The build up for the show has been the media focusing mostly on their amazement to realize that girls want to see the movie in groups. Oh God! I never could have surmised that myself.
And that sort of irks me. I didn't go in a group. Actually, I know two other people who went in pairs to see it (I mean, they went with their significant others, but still. Not a group.). The show did pretty remarkable things for women in terms of entertainment; it focused entirely on women, and focused a lot on sex. And let's face it; a lot of people still see sex as sort of a taboo thing for women to openly discuss. Lots of women do, but they also tend to get a lot of shit about it. A guy talks about some one night stand he had and he's awesome. A girl does that, and she's a slut. The show sort of encouraged girls to be more open about their sexuality with the sentiment "hey, if girls can talk about it on TV, why can't you talk about it in real life?" That's not a philosophy I normally believe for myself, but that's how society tends to work. If it's on TV, it's okay.
At any rate.
The movie itself was pretty much a giant glob of five episodes of the show, which is what I expected it to be. I mean, how else could they have done it? What made the movie enjoyable to me was the experience of seeing it with my older sister. The movie as a movie was far too long and predictable because, yeah, it was four and half 40-minute episodes in a row without commercial breaks. Half the time I was mentally putting in the ending credits where they will be when the movie undoubtedly is released in on television.
But it wasn't so much the fact that "ohmigawd I love this show, I'm so psyched it's a movie now!" that made me like it; though judging from the rather obnoxious applauding, gasping, "you go girl!"-ing, and chatter going on the entire time through out the theater, that's what most people were excited about.
I didn't even start watching the show until about two or three years ago, when TBS started to show it once a week. I used to sit in the living room with Lauryn and we'd take over the TV to watch it together. We'd spend the commercial breaks and sometimes hours afterwards to talk about our latest guy-gossip. For her, it was a chance to talk to me about her boyfriend and any issues going on. For me, it was a chance to gripe about the latest boy who screwed me over somehow.
Hell, it was sort of therapeutic. And I acknowledged that at the time.
We'd watch the episodes and remark on the hideous outfits, on the completely unrealistically hot guys these relatively average (or ugly) girls always dated, and could always identify with them when shit went bad. I mean, that's the real hook of the show, isn't it? Four strong independent women in New York City struggling for love; getting dumped, tricked, lied to, sometimes doing the tricking and the lying themselves... but then, ultimately, it's a happy ending.
For me, it was almost punishment. I'd had pretty terrible luck in the dating department my entire life (till now!), and I liked the show when the characters were getting screwed over, because I could identify with that. Once the happy endings started happening, the show only upset me because it set unrealistic standards as far as I was concerned. I needed the show to have some unhappy endings, because I was tired of hoping for a happy one for myself. Hell, I'm still a pessimist at heart; even at my happiest, I'm braced for disaster to try and soften the blow when it comes.
But I would watch the show once a week with her, with my big sister, and she'd talk and help me with all those problems. I needed that time with her, and as lame as it is that a TV show is what got me to have it, that's how it played out. And I'm grateful for it.
I've been so busy since going to college, and Lauryn's been so busy since moving away from home and beginning her life in that murky and shadowy Real World I dread entering in a few years, we don't get to have the regular sisterly bonding time I came to rely on so much. But the movie coming out gave us a big night to set aside for it. We had dinner, time to sit and talk and relax with each other and discuss everything on our minds lately. Then, there was a movie, which gave us more to discuss afterward.
I loved the movie, and not because of the movie at all. I loved it because of the company, and the time that we were both able to set aside, to splurge some of our hard-earned and oughten't be spent money, and talk.


Man, I am so lame and cheesey lately, it's ridiculous.
This was originally going to be a sort of review of the movie, and I guess in a way it is. Nothing ever ends up how I want it to when I write.
It looks like the entry I started at the beginning but then it changes. It gets lost somewhere in the middle. In the forest.
Heh.

Time to Lay on Some Cheese... Deal with it, everyone.

I enjoyed last weekend so much; and I can't wait until later today.
We weren't rushed to get to shows, rehearsals, classes, etc. as we have been the last few months. I feel like I've never really been able to enjoy a vacation before now. Every day I'm stuck at home, I am counting down till I see you again rather than counting away days of my life.
I've become increasingly self-aware the last few months. I've been changing a lot; not so much changing as maturing, really. I'm finally beginning to understand what I believe in so many things; how I want to live my life, why that is, my flaws, how to fix them, what I consider most important in life, how I wish I was perceived and it's relation to how I am perceived... it's odd.
That one afternoon in April, where we were all contained in our minds changed me so much and so subtly, but thanks to that day and this absurd self-awareness, I am detecting it. I don't know if anyone else has or even can.
I'm still a mess inside, but I feel good. Most of the time.
I've been saying to you and a few others (but I feel like the world can tell) how lucky I am, how worried I feel that this luck will run out and I'll be left without you. I can't shake that worry because I know if I ever lose it completely, it will happen and I don't want to end this happiness.



I never really understood how happy another person could make me, or how anyone could ever love me. I still don't quite understand that last part, but I believe it; and I'm starting to understand the first... I started understanding it just two months ago.

You make me
so happy.

Home Sweet Home...?

I'm home for summer now... already it's beginning to grate my nerves; my parents were arguing within the time it took my dad to take his coat off when he got home. At least my mom is sober; that's always the worst part. But all in all tonight has been okay... then again, it's still early so maybe I shouldn't I shouldn't jinx it.
Tomorrow I head back to school for two exams; both of which I am in all likeliness failing miserably. This was a terrible semester for me... I know it looks like I'm just lazy (skipping classes, not doing assignments, etc.) but that's not the case. I've just been losing all ambition to do anything these days... I mean, when I'm depressed and lethargic I can understand my inability to concentrate or care about grades. When I'm anxious you would think I do better, but I fear the imminent failure and can't even try to do a task I know I won't succeed at. If ever there is a time where depression and anxiety aren't inhibited my studies, I still can't focus because I still know I'll fail at them. I'm really not that smart, not academically at least. I have a lot of common sense, and know a lot about random things, but sitting and studying and listening to lectures... I just can't do it. I need to be doing something. Anything.
The more I think about it, the more art school seems like a good choice for me.
Yeah, a good portion of it is still sitting in class listening. But not all of it; there are parts where I get to create, and make things. I don't know what I want to do after college, but I know whatever it is must consist of making things.
I'm pleased with my theater participation the past year, actually. I was in Comic Relief, I applied for and was accepted to Wacky Hijinks. I've made some fantastic friends in CAP and have learned a lot. I know more about putting on a play than I ever thought I would, as well as about writing them. I may try my hand at directing next year. I became much more social; I have an easier time meeting new people now than I used to. Hell, I ever scored a boyfriend out of the whole ordeal. Now I'm getting ready for another play to put on in August at FringeNYC, which I am really excited for...

Ah, it's time for me to start studying for serious; I've been half-ass studying all day, time to get cracking.

Ch-ch-changes

I've grown so much in the last few months... I mean, it really started over the summer. But this last semester is when it's really started to show.
I think I've changed for the better. I can only hope so.
I've been so lucky lately.
My friends are amazing. I've had such a great time... I may not be doing well academically. I may still be depressed a lot. I have no idea what to do with my life...
But I still know and remember I have people who love me. I don't get angry as easily as I used to. My spiritual/religious beliefs feel the most stable now than ever before, and that makes me feel good. I've managed to wrangle me the sweetest boy ever, and I have no idea what I did to deserve such luck.


I've changed a lot.
I think it's been for the best.
I'm becoming who I want to be; someone I can be happy with being.
I'm gradually becoming less ashamed of me... that's a huge thing for me.
As I said, I'm still struggling with my crazies, and with really accepting some things in my life... but I know what I have to work on and I'm starting to do the things needed to work on them.

This summer will show me if those changes I've made will stay or not... I hope they do. Because even when I'm sad now, I have some strength to fight it and become happy again on my own.
That's huge for me...


I think, whatever I chose to do with life, I can manage it as long as I can remember this moment.
And if I still have someone I love to turn to in them... and with friends like those I have, I don't think I'll ever really be alone.

Acid Sketch (as done by e.e. cummings)

letters from the now
[from the past of
now before here]
drip across bright air
to crawlupontheharshrug
lost in tinder walls
t o w e r—
—ing—.
the here of ink and sheets
changes not at the start
but not
(at the end)
lost there… lost you…
you! dare to slither
across my letters now

here…

finishing all words:

youtheyweus

must

leave.

--------------------------------------------
I apologize for the depressing post last night.
I was in a bad place for a while, but talking to my surrogate brother helped a lot...
We talked about religion, spirituality... our psychological troubles. Especially the latter.
I plan to start seeing someone over the summer. One of my sisters spoke to my mom about it because I couldn't... I'm glad she did. I need it.
I feel better today. My grandma is having the surgery done here at home rather than in Florida... I think she's going in tomorrow instead of today. I am keeping my fingers crossed and am praying to anyone who will listen for her health. My mom chickened out of bringing Sinte to the vet, thank goodness. I am hoping she'll at least be able to hold off until I go home; I want to give her at least one last hug and kiss before she's gone.
My first final is tomorrow. I should really study but I'm not. I'm sort of giving up on school... even when I do study, I do terribly, so why bother? I could spend that time much more productively... like by trying to fix my frigging camera! It's jammed or something and I can't advance the film... dammit. I really want to take pictures with it; it's a Nikon FG (a manual film camera originally released in 1982... it's older than me!).
There's a billboard by the train station I really want to photograph. It's old and torn and looks rather creepy. I also think it's a pretty good representation of New Brunswick... surrounded by development and state of the art buildings, it's left there to fall apart and decay where everyone can see it, but no one looks. Pay attention to beauty, and ignore the ugly.
That's life, I suppose. I'm trying to change it, though.
I think it's impossible, but everyone needs a hope to cling to, right?


Sorry. I'm rambling now.
I want it to be the weekend...

I'm My Own Worst Enemy

"Once in a while your life gets so good
Worth all the trouble of the past
That was the case but I think I always knew
Good things don’t ever last..."
- Eels



It's been a rough day.
My grandmother had a stroke a few days ago.
She's doing well but needs heart surgery that she's getting done tomorrow...
It's relatively safe, but she's old and nothing is ever sure.
In addition to that, my parents are bringing my dog into the vet to be put down
as well.
My dog, Sinte, is 14 years old. I've had her since I was in the first grade...
I love my pets. They're family to me.
My cat Maya died over the summer and I still miss her when I'm home...
I always expect to hear her paw at the door, or to jump onto my bed and curl up
purring in the most inconvenient spot, so I have to sleep around her in an
uncomfortable position.
I can't imagine how weird it will be to come home without Sinte barking at the
door and trying to smell me.
Finals are coming. I'm failing at least one class.
I've been so depressed the last few weeks for no reason. Everything was going
fine and I was still depressed.
Now, my grandmother is sick, my dog is dying, and I've completely fucked up the
one thing that's been giving me any joy over the last month and a half.
This why I shied away from psychology. All I ever want to do is help those I love...
and I can’t.
You can't help everyone; and I tend to make things worse when I try to.
I don't know why I try anything any more...
It's all I really want to do, and I can't do it.
And I can't handle failing at that.
I fail at everything else, I can't stand failing those I love.

I feel dead inside.

May Day

Happy Beltane, everyone! :D
I wish I could get my hands on some meade to celebrate...
Instead I'm just skipping classes to see my beloved friends all day.
It's a day to celebrate life, meant to be relaxing and joyful... so that's what today will be.
No worrying or thinking about school, just for today; I can go back to freaking out after midnight.


My only wish is that it would be sunny outside...