I'm My Own Worst Enemy

"Once in a while your life gets so good
Worth all the trouble of the past
That was the case but I think I always knew
Good things don’t ever last..."
- Eels



It's been a rough day.
My grandmother had a stroke a few days ago.
She's doing well but needs heart surgery that she's getting done tomorrow...
It's relatively safe, but she's old and nothing is ever sure.
In addition to that, my parents are bringing my dog into the vet to be put down
as well.
My dog, Sinte, is 14 years old. I've had her since I was in the first grade...
I love my pets. They're family to me.
My cat Maya died over the summer and I still miss her when I'm home...
I always expect to hear her paw at the door, or to jump onto my bed and curl up
purring in the most inconvenient spot, so I have to sleep around her in an
uncomfortable position.
I can't imagine how weird it will be to come home without Sinte barking at the
door and trying to smell me.
Finals are coming. I'm failing at least one class.
I've been so depressed the last few weeks for no reason. Everything was going
fine and I was still depressed.
Now, my grandmother is sick, my dog is dying, and I've completely fucked up the
one thing that's been giving me any joy over the last month and a half.
This why I shied away from psychology. All I ever want to do is help those I love...
and I can’t.
You can't help everyone; and I tend to make things worse when I try to.
I don't know why I try anything any more...
It's all I really want to do, and I can't do it.
And I can't handle failing at that.
I fail at everything else, I can't stand failing those I love.

I feel dead inside.