Down the Rabbit Hole...

Yesterday was probably one of the most important days in my life, and if I didn't post the typical, pretentious, I-know-so-much-about-the-world-and-myself posts that such substances are wont to induce then my experience would not have been complete.
However, I'm not going to go on and on about how I realized that yes, the religious beliefs I've had since the sixth grade that we are all "one" with the universe are in fact true. I am going to go on about the fact that I learned so much about myself that I already knew; I rediscovered myself, I suppose.
I've always known that I have severe anxiety problems, coupled with very strong bouts of depression on a relatively regular basis. A terrible self esteem. Family issues galore. Fear of abandonment. I always thought I was whiny, annoying, unwanted by everyone, unintelligent, and a pessimist.
One of the many things I scribbled in that cherry red notebook, which stood out like a beacon to me the entire day, was "I learned I am an optimist." I can't recapture that euphoric moment when I realized it, but I suppose I am.
There are so many things I want to do, so many things I wish I was.
I can't do any of them, and I can't be anything. But I keep trying and I think what I realized when I wrote that was that if I keep trying I must hold out some little hope that it's possible. And I think that's optimism; as small and pale as that hope is, it's there.
It was like a therapy session; I remember sitting in that lawn chair looking through the posts of the porch at the sun moving through the sky and the colors of everything changing with it's motion and so many thoughts rushed through my mind. I remember thinking something about Freud and the thought "Oh, so this is the unconscious being made conscious..." struck me. I kept thinking of the word "collective unconscious" and acknowledging that it was the wrong word, and that Jung talked about that and not Freud, but I didn't care because it was just a name, which is just letters and and pictures and ideas, and a word can mean anything you want it to as long as it contains the idea you want it to contain.
I realized how much I rely on other people and how self contained I am. Andy said "we're all containers" and it's absolutely true, as silly as it sounds post-experience. I think the silliest things are also the most profound... perhaps that the pretentious philosophy major in me, though.
I was so aware yet so unaware of myself. It was amazing. I was so self conscious about what might turn the experience wrong for me and was very careful to avoid it. I always thought such self consciousness was a bad thing... but it's not. It's limiting and reduces my experiences with communicating my thoughts to any one. As the day went on and the intensity shifted from both body and mind to mostly mind I was able to relax more and enjoy myself and the company I was in. When Jon returned to himself I was so happy; I'd spent a lot of time worrying that he wasn't okay and that he would forget himself and forget me and I'd have try and teach him to love me again.


Ah, time to go prop shopping for Hijinks...
That was the most profound peanut butter and jelly sandwich I ever had.