Just Like We (Breakdown)

(An absolutely absurd rant at the peak of another anxiety attack. Enjoy.)

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Absolutely none.
It's terrible; I know I have time before I graduate and everything, but I need a plan. I can't have no direction... it leaves me feeling anxious and nervous all the time, or it leaves me utterly empty and unable to get myself to do work.
I can't focus in class, I can't get motivated to do my work (or even go to class most of the time). The only thing motivating me is the fear of my parents murdering me when they see my grades... and even that isn't even enough to get my ass into gear.
I want to do something for me with my life.
I give a lot to others already... I drop everything I'm doing to go help my friends. I've gone without sleeping in order to help them. I've skipped tests in order to give them a shoulder to cry on. I'm not complaining about it... but I feel like I'm not good at school. It's not for me. I love learning, but I love doing it on my own, in my own way. Sitting in classes, writing papers, listening to lectures... it doesn't teach me anything at all. I can't concentrate.
I want to create. I want to do photography... something about being able to freeze a moment in time forever, on glossy paper in black and white shades makes me smile.

Can't I do something with my life that's just for me?
It's selfish, yes... but I don't know.
I already feel plagued with other peoples problems. Don't think I don't want to help anyone anymore... on the contrary, my friends are my life. Without them, I'm nothing. Worthless. Nonexistent.
But I feel like I need to spend my time focusing on something that makes me happy, that I enjoy... because all my free time otherwise is spent trying to appease others, be they friends, family, or complete strangers.

You only live once.

...okay, so I believe in reincarnation, but I believe each incarnation is it's own life. You learn things you need to in each life, and take those lessons onto all your others until you reach what I can only refer to as a zen state. However, each incarnation you have must be spent trying to learn all you can in that time. I don't mean material knowledge. I mean learning about yourself.
Sounds lame and cliche, but I don't really care. The soul is immortal and it essentially is you. The you of today is who you were yesterday and in all other lives; an accumulation of all life lessons and experiences.
Grades, test scores, classes... I really don't think they matter in the grand scheme of things. Your happiness does: and I loathe how society forces you to do things that inhibit that happiness from growing.
Jobs, taxes, insurance... it's absolutely absurd.
People wonder why depression rates are soaring, violence is rising, and the economy plummeting.
We poison life with worries, anxiety, stress... no one is ever able to be utterly and completely happy with their life, and so much negativity ruins the balance.
Sure, I believe their must be an equal balance of the bad with the good. But there is too much bad these days. Too much stress, worrying... no one is completely happy. Everyone constantly has something to worry about, something irking them, something holding them back from that much desired self-actualization. Maybe it's material, maybe it's psychology, maybe it's physical... but "it's" there.
And "it's" driving me insane!



I just want to be happy.
I want a simple life to live; a comfortable home, work I enjoy that let's me be artistic and gives me freedom, someone I love, a pet. That's it, really.
My parents won't support me. And I need their support. Nothing I ever do or say can get them to understand it, and it drives me insane.
Another instance of me having to please someone else.
I've led my entire life up to this point trying to make my parents happy... can't I live the rest of it in a way that makes me happy?

I suppose that's what this all boils down to.
My parents.
They're more supportive than some parents of me, but they still keep me back so much.
They've raised me to constantly worry, be paranoid, never fully trust anyone... to think that education is the most important thing in life, and without it you can't be successful; which is the only other thing more important.
They also raised me to help others, which I do.
They raised me to think for myself, which I do.
They raised me to constantly fear disappointing them, like all parents raise their children to do...

Which I do.



It's funny how they raised me to be both an individual and their puppet.
I wish they would let me cut the strings; I need to do what I want to do now, and not what they want me to...
But I just can't.