The weather is gorgeous once more... I wish I could enjoy it more. I was very irresponsible last night and hung out with some friends rather than study for the exam I had at 8:10 this morning. I went home around 2:45 in the morning and studied... for about twenty minutes before falling asleep, only to awake to the clock reading 7:46.
Panic ensued.
There is no conceivable way I passed that exam, and since I'm already doing terribly in the class, that is very bad news.
Something I whined about in the previously mentioned depressing post I never posted was my constant fear that I simply don't belong in college.
I'm not particularly smart; I'm not an idiot, but I'm certainly no genius. I'm a horrible student. I never study, I constantly skip classes, when i do go to class I spend the time completely zoned out (I daydream almost constantly; think of JD from Scrubs to get a sense of the manner in which I do it). I want to be smart. I want the knowledge that college offers, and I genuinely enjoy learning... but I can't focus on it. If it's something I am obligated to do, I lose interest instantly.
It's so immature and irresponsible and I hate it.
I wish I had the self discipline to study, pay attention, go to class... go home early the night before an important exam. But I really don't. Since coming to college, I've lost the drive and ambition I had to succeed in high school; and even back then, with ambition, I never did any work. I am fairly certain I only passed high school because the teacher's there were lazy and never actually graded anything properly. I have the problem of wanting to reach my goal but not wanting to do the work involved. It's so childish but I just can't motivate myself to work harder.
I mean, Jesus. I'm writing this post when I ought to be writing the essay that's due in ten hours...
Fuck me.
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